March 6th, 2016
I’ve been tired and tired of lots of things. I’ve been tired of feeling out of shape, tired of trying to make myself go to the gym, not know what I’m doing or doing the same thing, and then giving up. I’ve been tired of feeling unhealthy, and really, I’ve been sick and tired of what I’ve been seeing in the mirror everyday. I never thought I’d hit 190lbs or even 194.4 as of Friday night. I never thought I’d look in the mirror and have the stomach I always dreaded, or look at a picture my boyfriend took jokingly while I was driving and the only thing I noticed was the size of my arm. I’ve been tired of hearing my boyfriend say, “stop, you’re beautiful, I love YOU,” and not believe him because I don’t feel that way about myself. And mostly I’ve been tired of waking up and realizing I am only getting older and only gaining more weight, and that I have to stop waiting for a change, and figure out how to make one today; not tomorrow.
So several weeks ago I applied for a 6-Week 20lb Challenge to lose weight. And then the scary part happened: In February I got an email back saying I had been accepted into the challenge and I had to respond to accept my invitation. The fear and anxiety only grew from there, but I knew, I HAD to do it. And that brings me to today.
Across the next few weeks involved going to an orientation that outlined some of the bigger parts of the challenge (how often we would have to work out, we would have to change our eating and create a new meal plan, the details of putting a deposit, and the requirements of how to get that back at the end of the challenge). Well, that was officially the worst day yet of this process because I was extremely nervous to go. I kept trying to figure out what I was so scared of it was JUST an orientation, and despite all the anxieties of this huge idea of losing 20lbs at all let alone in 6 weeks, was just horrific to me for some reason (maybe because I have never been able to lose any weight unless it was related to a break up and massive poor eating habits). Whatever the true underlying reason, it was just terrifying to me. But I knew I HAD to do it, so I went.
Well I wasn’t the only one terrified. Although my mindset was determined to attend this orientation, my body clearly wanted no part of it. I got to the orientation about 15 minutes early and as I was getting ready to get out of the car, I went white. I had maybe slightly sh*t my pants. Literally. “Hell no, Sam, you are not doing this orientation so help your little fat body,” was what I figured my body was telling me. Now, fortunately, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought (and if you’re thinking how can that not be as bad as you think, believe me, it wasn’t). What I thought was “holy crap I sh*t my pants” (no pun intended), was actually not anything, though at the time I think the only thing Psychosomatic in my life was that thought. I managed to compose myself, got to the bathroom inside, found all to be well, and proceeded to walk in to the orientation. Now, side note: this was the last possible orientation available that day and at all, so if I hadn’t gone in, I would have lost my spot in the challenge and would again have faced another failure in trying to lose weight and change my life. So, clearly mind over matter or my life would have stayed the same and I’d probably be eating Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese right now. Again, I HAD to do it.
Once I got in and used their restroom, made sure all was A-OK, I could get back to what was really, really important: cleanliness and a spot in the challenge. Since that day I know that no matter what happens, it will never be as bad as that orientation day. I feel my body literally tried to rebel against my mind! But again, I got through it because I HAD to do it. I remembered the bigger things, all of the reasons I was “tired”; my “WHYs.”
Another side note while I’m thinking of this whole accident ordeal and still going to the orientation. And although that story is completely embarrassing and I’m sure you weren’t expecting to hear that or want to, I told it because there is a very important thing I learned about myself that day. I am realizing all the things that have held me back from working out and making life changes, the things I have let hold myself back in the past (getting sick, being tired, not knowing how to do something, fear I will look like an idiot or be the last person in a group doing something, etc.), I have persevered through. I am done with excuses. If you listen to lots of people who have been through lots of weight loss and body transformations, I feel like a lot of them are always saying they just got tired of their life, their habits, their excuses, and at that point, when they were so sick of themselves, that’s when they were ready to change. I always thought I was ready to change, and then let excuses arise. But after the weeks leading up to this challenge and seeing myself persevere through some incidents I would definitely use as excuses in the past not to do something, I think I’m actually finally there. Anyway, think about that because it’s pretty powerful to me now that I look back on this journey thus far.
Fast forward to March 4th. The nutrition seminar (also required in this process and boy was it important). Here I learned about my “meal plan,” not a diet. I got my instructions for what I could eat, how often, the correct portion amount (because let’s be real, eating one portion in America is actually like five and then on top of that it’s usually something fatty or soaring in cholesterol otherwise it doesn’t taste amazing), what supplements we would be taking, what protein whey was appropriate and how to use it, etc. It was very informational. But more than that, we weighed in and took before pictures. And even more than that, it was shocking to see how many people were there, and the different body sizes, from someone that looked like they didn’t need any weight, to people who looked like they needed to lose lots of weight, to people that looked average size. And even more motivating was listening to the people who had completed one challenge and were returning to start another. Lots of people stood up and shared their stories. There were people who had lost more than 20 lbs and people who had lost exactly 20.0 lbs. And then there was a man who stood up and said he had lost 40 lbs in his first challenge alone! Talk about inspiring! It made me realize, this is so much more than people just posting on Facebook that they checked into a location, or that they’d lost 20 lbs in 6 weeks. This was truly a life transforming program and here was an entire group of people forming a community of individuals who were ready to change their lives. It was very powerful and very motivating and still is when I reflect on it.
And then there was today. Day 1 of the challenge. I was a little more unprepared than I thought. I had managed to buy a food scale, spinach, a bag of broccoli, a small container of egg whites, yogurt, and whatever else I could find that Saturday night before in 9:30 in Target. Thanks to my boyfriend’s mom earlier that day, I managed to get the right kind of oatmeal so I didn’t have to go buy anything for carbs. I went home that night to my empty portion of the fridge and my empty shelf in the pantry, and started filling it up. I went to bed and said goodbye to all of the food over the past ten years that had gotten me to where I was that day. Day 1 I got up and immediately looked like a fish out of water trying to cook and portion out my breakfast. Because I didn’t know how much 4oz of just egg whites was, I made just egg whites without any veggies in them and then measured. I made way too much oatmeal and trying to get that down was a major struggle. I’ve never been an oatmeal fan first of all, but on top of it, I hadn’t done any proper grocery shopping so I had no spices to add to it. I ate plain ass rolled oats oatmeal and each bite had to say, “just do it.” “FTDI,” the new mantra I was repeating religiously thanks to this program (Follow The Damn Instructions). PS: you know you’re really eating unhealthy when it takes everything you have to eat your healthy breakfast without throwing up! It’s not that it was bad, it’s that it was so foreign to me.
8:30am workout and who was there by my side? My best friend from college! What better way to go through this challenge than with the person you used to sit next to and say, “Hey are you hungry?”…… “Mmm… I could eat,” and then chow down. LOL. We used to say, “Man, if we actually worked out as much as we thought about it we would be so hot by now!” Well, look out world because now we are actually doing it. What’s even funnier is we didn’t plan it, we didn’t talk to each other about it, we just both got to that point where we HAD to do it. And so the journey continues.
The first day has been hard. Harder than I thought. Harder than when I was just going two times per week for those two weeks leading up to the start date, but eating anything I wanted. More than ever today I have found that this truly is not just about the workouts and the weight loss. This is about changing how I think about food, what I’m putting into my body, appreciating new ways of cooking and eating. This is about changing a lot of my life. I set alarms on my phone to remind me when I had to eat or drink the whey protein. I threw that bag of broccoli from Target in my purse and carried it around with my everywhere. I brought extra food to make sure I had what I needed so I didn’t have an excuse to cave in and eat something else. I drank an entire gallon of water (where I normally am lucky if I drink one bottle a day). I can do this. I HAVE to do this. I will do this.
And with that being said, I start my day two. Day two of my total body and mind transformation. “I am already 20 lbs lighter.” I woke up several times and finally was up at 3:50 and thought, if I can’t sleep this is the time to write. I want this all documented so I remember why I’m doing this, where I’ve come from, what I want for myself and my future self. I am doing this because I want this to be more than a phase. I want my life to be healthy and I want every second of it not to be wasted, because I’ve also really been thoughtful about just how much time on this earth, in this life, I have. When there’s already so little time and I feel so much of it has gone by already without my noticing, I want to get as many of those days, hours, minutes, as I can. And in order to do that, I have to be healthy. I HAVE to do it.
Bring on the next 40 days. Bring on each day for the rest of this life.
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